Wednesday, April 01, 2009
This was the first year the kids had any interest in planning some pranks for April Fools' Day, and the person they most wanted to prank was their dad. I took them to the store after school yesterday, where they chose a pair of ridiculous looking (and extremely tight) underwear and picked out the ugliest $7 tie they could find: The plan was to wait until Dr. V. set out his clothes for today and then hide all of his underwear and ties, leaving only the newly purchased replacements for him to wear. Oh, and we also squirted toothpaste behind the handle of the shower door. This morning, the kids started giggling as soon as they heard him start up the shower, and by the time he came out of the bedroom I seriously thought they were going to wet themselves. He played along and pretended to be very confused about his sticky fingers and newly tight underwear, but the hilarity truly peaked when the kids heard him bellowing from the garage, "Call the police! Someone vandalized my car! It's the most horrible thing I've ever seen!" It was all very cute. I'm sure I won't feel like this once the kids are Teenaged Mutant Ninja Liars, but right now it is freakin' adorable when they try to cover up stuff like this. They are really, really, REALLY shite at keeping secrets, so Dr. V. and I often have to pretend that we are dumber than a bag of hammers. (Pause... why yes, that WAS nice of me to give you this moment to insert your very own smart ass thoughts right here!) Last night, though, it was all up to Dr. V. to pretend stupidity. Pepper kept making excuses for why we were out in the garage, like "Mom had a really interesting... uhm... SHOEBOX she wanted us to look at in the garage." She must have made about 57 excuses for what we were up to, each as believable as the next. Meaning "not at all believable." And Peanut? Well, he just waited until bedtime, when he snuggled up to his dad for a hug and kiss and said, "Goodnight, Dad. We TOTALLY didn't put Yankees magnets all over your car."
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Monday, September 15, 2008
I've got a cold. And the mucus is now streaming even more wildly than before, thanks to Miss Doxie and her amazing ability to make me laugh hysterically. Go read all about Cookie and the Geetz to see what I'm laughing about.
Friday, September 12, 2008
Whew. Well, THAT was a sucky week I don't care to repeat anytime soon. My dad's surgery on Wednesday went as expected, so he'll be home from the hospital in a few days, minus a kidney. On the phone yesterday, my mother muttered something about him demanding more tape for his i.v. line or something, so I'm taking it as a good sign that he's already driving her crazy. But, oh - my poor mom. I wish we lived closer so I could run over and give her a break in the next few weeks. Pepper is doing better. My sleeping on the floor of her room Tuesday night seems to have helped quite a bit. She was a little fragile still on Wednesday, but she managed to make it through the day with only a single visit to the nurse, and that was for a legitimate playground bump. I picked her up at school, and she was in a much better mood. Yesterday was the same, and she was even cracking jokes at one point. When I handed her vitamins to take, she said, "Hey, Mom? Which vitamin do Canadians like the best?" and then giggled hysterically while I processed the answer. ("Uhm, Vitamin 'eh?'") In fact, we got through the whole evening pretty well, with only a little pre-bedtime freaking out, for which I blame myself. I was laughing hysterically at this, big 'ol geek that I am: When she heard me laughing, she came over to watch it with me. After a few of my explanations, she promptly began freaking out about the universe collapsing. Sigh. Yeah, I know - it's gonna be a long road with this kid.
Sunday, August 03, 2008
Do you read "Savage Chickens?" If not, you really should. I'm a big fan of a little lift during the day. I'm not a hugely caffeinated person, so humor works for me. It doesn't always have to be brilliant, just enough to shake me out of whatever funk I may have worked myself into. Which I am known to do. The funk, I mean. Sigh. OK, whatever. But you gotta love this one:
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Peanut thinks we should take a cruise to Ireland, or perhaps find a balloon seller and purchase 61 balloons: I'm bagging out of NaBloPoMo, because I have nothing prepared for the next two days and I'm leaving the house in 2 hours. Have a great week, everybody!
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
(Let me just preface this vignette by saying I'm still astonished that I never made this eye/ears/brain connection before.) Over the past week or so, I've been talking to Pepper more about why her brother is different. It never came up much, because in the way of children everywhere, she just took it for granted that Peanut is just, well... Peanut. Lately, there has been a little more conflict between them, which I attribute to increasing maturity on both of their parts. Now that he is more mature and capable of understanding and responding to things more appropriately, she gets resentful when he isn't held to higher standards. I hear "It's not fair" more often from her these days, and so we have been talking about what kinds of things it is fair to expect from Peanut. I explained to her that he had A Special Condition, and she immediately understood and said, "Oh, like how he..." and "So that's why he..." and I felt all back-patty about how well I was communicating with her. We got all clear on how he was just as smart as everyone else, but he had trouble understanding other people sometimes, and has a harder time communicating. Last night, she said, "Can I tell (Best Friend) about how Peanut is sick?" I quickly jumped on that and said, "Yes, of course you can tell her! It's nothing to be ashamed or frightened of, but remember - he's not sick. He has a condition known as Asperger's Syndrome*." At which point her jaw dropped, her eyes popped, and she started gurgling helplessly with laughter. "ASS BURGER????" At which point my jaw dropped, my eyes popped, and I started gurgling helplessly with laughter. When we finished wiping our eyes, we had another talk about not making fun of it, not making fun of her brother, and not saying swear words. Mature mother that I am, when I dropped her off at school this morning, I yelled, "Bye! I love you!" and when she turned to wave, mouthed "ASS BURGER!" at her. I'm feeling a little verklempt here - our very first mother-daughter R-rated in-joke! ___________________________ *As explained here, he has a technical diagnosis of PDD-NOS, but for all practical intents and purposes, he has Asperger's Syndrome, so we've decided it's easier to present it as such to people.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Peanut has been amusing as hell lately. Some of the stuff he's been doing has been intentional, as he tries to make us laugh whenever possible. Most of it, however, is just him being himself. For example, he still will occasionally yell for an adult to check his wiping job after going to the bathroom. Yesterday, I heard a bellow from upstairs, and when I walked in, the kid was sitting there like a seasoned pro, playing his sister's Nintendo DS while perched on the toilet. Today? I walked in and found him sitting there reading a comic book. Sniff! MAH BABY'S GROWIN' UP TOO DURN FAST! Here is a short video we made this morning. He's psuedo-worried that there still might be a few lice hanging around the house: My favorite thing, though, is something I saw him do at the theme parks. I've been trying to keep my enjoyment of this odd little repetitive behavior very low key, because you know how it is - the second they realize you think something they are doing is funny, that is ALL you will see from them for days. But honestly? It cracks me up SO BAD. I tried to get a surreptitious video of him doing it, but no luck, so a description will have to do. Peanut still gets a lot of his speech and behavior cues from television shows. For him, it hasn't been a bad thing, because it has given him a verbal and behavioral vocabulary that has allowed him to interact on a common level with other people. Think about it - how often do you quote a movie in your conversations? Hell, Dr. V. and I could probably quote the entire Bill Murray oeuvre between the two of us. So, you know, we've got THAT goin' for us, which is nice. So, imagine us traipsing through the various halls and caverns and tunnels and waiting areas at the theme parks. And imagine an excited Peanut, running ahead of us to get there quickly. Imagine him coming to a corner, or coming to a point where he has to change direction, and picture him swinging his arms like he is square dancing and hopping a couple times on one foot as he pretends to skid around the corner. My mom's favorite from this vacation, on the other hand, was when he walked into the kitchen and waggled his eyebrows at us. With a carnival barker's intonation, he asked, "Which one of you lay-dees is going to help me get dressed?" Friggin' adorable, this kid.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Yesterday wasn't a great day. Today isn't so hot, either, but something goofy happened while I was out doing errands that made me smile. I was driving down the road, pondering and such, and although most of my thoughts were occupied with the Scandalous Events I mentioned, I had the usual other little trains of thought bouncing around in my brain. A back-up chorus, if you will, singing the "shoo-bops" of grocery lists and things to do behind the melody. (In my head, I just was about to write "melody of PAIN," but then I made a "da da DUM!" noise, rolled my eyes at myself, and started giggling. No wonder people give me a wide berth in the coffee shop.) ANYWAY - I was driving down the road, pondering. The timing of what happened was exquisite. As I was wondering what on earth I could possibly post about, what on earth I'd have the mental energy to say, this van drove past me and pulled into my lane: Why, yes! That does indeed say "erections," although it is hard to make out. Thanks for that, universe!
Monday, August 20, 2007
We spent much our second day in Ireland at Kylemore Abbey, where one of Dr. V's relatives is employed. The Victorian Walled Garden has been restored and opened to the public since we were last there, and even in the rainy weather, we enjoyed wandering the grounds. Obligatory scenic pictures:
The rest of the day was spent visiting relatives, chatting and drinking tea. Lots and lots of tea. I forgot how much they love their tea over there. Topics of conversation included the startling number of young families moving back home to the area; the 115 year old who had recently died a couple towns over, leaving a 107 year old woman nearby to inherit the mantle of oldest living resident; the extraordinary number of Polish workers in all the local establishments, thanks to the EU; and the ridiculous price of real estate.
We took some of the family out to dinner at a local pub that night, which was quite nice. Sitting with Dr. V's 87-year old great aunt at the bar, we were discussing the state of her husband's health, and I got the best laugh of the trip. She and I were discussing his Alzheimer's and the fact that he is beginning to wander the house at night, leaving her exhausted at having to watch out for him. They have plenty of relatives and a home health aide who provide respite during the day, but at night, it's just the two of them and she finds it difficult.
This lady is a hoot, someone whose company I have always enjoyed, and as we sat there at the bar discussing her options, she explained that although they have qualified for overnight respite care from the county, there is only one health aide providing those services in the area. Unfortunately, she's already looking after the 107 year old woman we'd discussed earlier, so no overnight help just yet. Dr. V's aunt clucked her tongue and said, "We're just waiting for that one to pop off so I can get some rest!"
We ended up chatting with aunts and uncles well into the night, and it was quite lovely, and we felt like idiots for letting 16 years go by since our last visit. It won't happen again.
Saturday, August 11, 2007
You know how, when you take a trip, there usually seem to be one or two moments that - years later - you can be chatting with whomever you travelled with, and something will trigger that memory? And pretty soon, you and whomever you are strolling down Nostalgia Place or Remembrance Court with are rolling around on the floor cackling, "...and the cheese was BAAAAAADDDD!" while everyone around you rolls their eyes and smiles grim little smiles that indicate how tired they are of humoring you? No? Just me, then? Well, this trip produced several of these moments, but the one that Dr. V. and I can't seem to shake is the moment on the BatoBus when we witnessed a brilliant moment of semi-verbal communication between two people who did not speak the same language. The BatoBus is a tour/commuter boat that travels up and down the Seine, and we hopped on outside the museum, hoping that the chop of the water and the fresh breeze would unfreeze our culture-numbed brains. (Seriously! Who can take it all in??? TOO...MUCH...BEAUTY!) Unfortunately, the BatoBus design is similar to how I imagine a lot of conceptually-driven design turns out. It looks cool, but isn't necessarily the most functional craft you've ever seen. In particular, almost the entire roof is made of glass, giving little shade to the people sitting within. It's kind of like riding in a terrarium, because although the roof panels slide back to allow cross ventilation, in practice the side panels are so tall that not a lot of air reaches the passengers sitting in the boat. It was odd to be riding down the river on a summer day, sun beating down on us with nary a breeze to be felt. The way the roof panels are constructed means that the glass rides in tracks and can be pushed up to the center or pulled down to meet the sides. One unconcerned man stood there, casually holding on to the top edge of the exposed side panel, when the BatoBus guide came over to him and requested that he move. She was gesturing and speaking in French, and even *I* understood what she was saying, but this guy just stood there, leaning, shaking his head in utter incomprehension. The guide was brilliant. She resorted to an instantaneous charade, mimicking the motion of a roof panel sliding down with one hand and into the back of her other hand's fingers and then SCREAMED. Loudly. It sounded like "whoosh - zzzshjute - AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" and even the thickheaded guy got it, quickly snatching his hand away from the glass. Gleeful sickos that we are, Dr. V and I continue to crack each other up with this gem. We mimic it and roll around in hysterics while our 7 year old tells us we are weird. 'Cause we are mature 'n shit. That reminds me - I gotta go leave a voicemail for him so that when he checks it on Monday morning, he'll start off the week with a loving "whoosh-zzzshjute-AAAAAAA!" from me.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Most of the jokes Pepper thinks up on her own are kind of... uhm... well, golly. A rare loss for words me here. "Not too bad" would be a bit of a stretch, so let's leave it at "not very funny" and pretend I'm not mocking my own child. This week, said child is exhibiting a deadly combination of creativity and oversensitivity. She keeps coming up with new jokes and runs to tell them, and I have to immediatley stops what I am doing and listen. Then I giggle politely, and then she inevitably accuses me of not enjoying the joke, and then she has to explain it in detail while I react with even more vigorous faked enthusiasm. It's exhausting. I thought this one was good, though: Q: What did the doctor say about his patient whose head was almost cut off? A: "That's a neck of an operation!" She's still working on the one about the bees and the hair and the honeycomb. I'll keep y'all posted.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
I apologize to whomever I swiped this from, because I can't remember where in the heck I found it. Since my life is filled with people in various "help desk" professions, I found it funny enough to save. Yo - this one goes out to all my reference desk and IT homies:
Friday, March 16, 2007
Because our neighborhood is the last bus stop on the route, Pepper gets to spend some quality time riding the bus each afternoon. There are assigned seats on her bus, and for a while we had a lot of talk about how "mean" one of the girls she sat with was. Seat assignments recently changed, and she now sits near a boy who is apparently the funniest 3rd grader on the planet. Each day this week, she has come skipping off the bus singing a little song or chortling at a joke. Today's offerings were two songs and a joke. Here are the songs: 1. "Yankee Doodle went to town, riding on a heater, accidently flipped a switch and burned his little weiner!" (HAAAHHAAAAHAHAHHA!!!) 2. "Yankee Doodle went to town, riding on a baby, hit the ground and turned around and saw a naked lady!" (AAAHHHHAHAHHAHHHAHHHAAAAA!!) On to the joke. The joke involved so much helpless burbling laughter that she could barely even tell it to me, but I managed to get her to repeat it to me this evening while I taped it. Here you go:
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Yes, little guy, you DO make me laugh. In fact, you are the best laugh I've had all day. It's really lucky I wasn't drunk when I stumbled across this listing, because my drunk self would TOTALLY pay $50 bucks for that! (Here's a hint: one of my favorite searches on eBay is "taxidermy.")
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
There has been a lot going on in my life, good and bad, over the past few days. I will start playing catch up today, but first - a joke to start the morning: Q: You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a drop off, and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is another galloping horse. Both horses are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? A: Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.
Sunday, December 17, 2006
For some reason, Sundays are usually very silly days here at Chez Velma. This morning was no exception. After doing a short little pantomime for me which was very goofy and very funny and almost had me reaching for my asthma inhaler, Pepper disappeared upstairs for a while. Apparently, she enjoyed the positive reaction she received, and eventually came down dressed all in dark clothing and asked me if I would paint her face like a mime. Hokay, yeah sure, we love us some face painting, and since we had nothing else scheduled for the day, I did. After a long and silly day, I have managed to eke a little quiet time out of the evening for myself to noodle around on the computer. For your viewing pleasure, I am pleased to present you with a short film entitled "My Daughter Wants to Be a Mime." Enjoy!
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Last night, I was watching the Daily Show riff on Barack Obama as the Second Coming in New Hampshire with a glass of this stuff. Here is the segment: Apparently, my hysterical laughter was enough to draw Pepper's curiousity, and she strolled into the room just as the segment was ending. As I wiped away my tears, Pepper turned to me and said, "That lady said that man cured her hiccups!" "Yes, honey, she did. It's a joke, that the man cured her hiccups." A few moments of silence as I congratulate myself on dodging a bullet...and then: "Why did she call them 'herpes?'" Busted!